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When Your Husband Dies

When your husband dies, suddenly, tragically and without warning your whole life appears to die with him. I always said my kids were my heart and he was my life. So, when he was gone my life ended too. The life we had together was gone forever.

I heard the sirens, saw the Air Evac helicopter in the sky and did not even think for a minute they could be coming for my husband. But they were. When the hospital called they said he was OK, talking to them and that he wanted them to call me. When I arrived at the emergency room it was a totally different picture. I felt like a knife went into my body, I was frozen with fear. My mind just could not accept that this could even be happening. I had to fix it. What can I do to fix it. I always fix it and make it better. But I was helpless. I could just pray and hope.

After he died I walked around my house...I saw his clothes, his tools, his car and said out loud over and over " how can you be dead?"

I had to tell my children. They looked at me and cried tears of disbelief. Nothing truly terrible had ever happened in their generally happy little lives.

Life goes on all around you and unbelievaeably, even in your own home. It feels like it should all end, but it does not.

Losing your husband, best friend, soul mate all of it hurts so badly you don't think you can live. Your life feels so empty and you are sad, angry , bitter, enraged and confused.

It will never be over. There is no such thing as closure. But I honor his memory by raising his children to be good men like their Daddy. I feel like I have little to offer any more but I do the best I can. I gets easier with time, I think. Knowing you can make it on your own whether you like it or not makes you feel stronger. Now I am starting to think about my life. I try to do things differently. Trying to do things exactly the same way as we did with my husband is just too hard. Charting a new course is easier.

He was a good man. I still think about him every day. I hold him lovingly in my heart and my soul. He is part of me forever.