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The Six Needs of Mourning
Need #1: Acknowledge the reality of the death.
It may take weeks or even months, but you need to gently confront the difficult reality that someone you loved is dead and will never be physically present to you again.
At times you may push away the reality of the death. This is normal. You will come to integrate the reality in doses as you are ready.
You may feel as if you're in the middle of a dream and that you'll eventually wake up and none of this will have happened. This too is normal, and it protects you from being overwhelmed by the loss. You need time to become accustomed to thinking and feeling in this new reality.
Need #2: Embrace the pain of the loss.
This is something we naturally don't want to do. It's easier to avoid, repress, or push away the pain of grief than it is to confront it. It is in embracing your grief, however, that you will learn to reconcile yourself to it.
You will need to go slowly, to "dose" yourself in this embracing of your pain. If you were to allow it in all at once, you could not bear it. So go slowly.
Need #3: Remember the person who died.
When someone loved dies, they live on in us through memory. To heal, you need to remember the person who died and to commemorate the life that was lived.
Never let anyone take your memories away in a misguided attempt to save you from pain. It's good for you to talk about your loved one, to continue to display photos of them, and to remember them in other ways that are natural for you.
Need #4: Develop a new self-identity.
Part of your identity was formed by the relationship you had with the person who died. You may have gone from being a "wife" to a "widow," or from a "parent" to a "bereaved parent." The way you identified yourself-and the way society identified you-is changed.
It is difficult and it is one of your biggest challenges, but you will need to reconstruct your identity, to re-create yourself in the face of the loss of who you once were. You can do this.
Need #5: Search for meaning.
When someone we loved dies suddenly, we naturally question the meaning and purpose of life and death. "Why?" and "How?" are questions that will surface uncontrollably, e.g., "Why did this happen?" and "How can I live without them?" You will probably also question your philosophy and your religious and spiritual beliefs and values. Remember that having faith does not negate your need to mourn and that this search for answers and meaning is a natural part of your mourning.
Need #6: Receive ongoing support from others.
During this time, we need the love and understanding of others in order to heal. Do not feel ashamed by your dependence of others right now; instead, revel in the knowledge that others care about you.
Unfortunately, our society often places too much value on "carrying on" and keeping a "stiff upper lip". Remember grief is a journey, a process, not a destination, and that you will need the continued support of your friends and family for weeks, months and years to come. And remember that those who love you want to help you-so let them!
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